


swinging between hell and you

by EJ (girlwitham4carbine)



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: M/M, Multi, i also have no memory writing any of this amazing, this is so self indulgent lmao bye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-28 23:08:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6349384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlwitham4carbine/pseuds/EJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they were together, they became a unit. Just the two of them. The two of them and Toji's baby sister. The two of them and Kensuke's growing collection of model tanks and action figures. The two of them and the rest of Class 2A.</p><p>Just the two of them and whoever else.</p><p>But then Shinji Ikari came along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	swinging between hell and you

**Author's Note:**

> im not even sorry have some gays being gay despite the apocalypse hanging out right around the corner
> 
> title is from "life in a bubble i blew" by joywave

It had always been just the two of them. Toji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida versus what felt like the entire world.

They had known each other since elementary school, when Toji had walked over to him sporting a bloody nose and a black eye, holding Kensuke's toy robot protectively in his chubby hands. They knew they clicked instantly then, and found that even as grade schoolers they were so similar yet so different in the strangest of ways. They had the same cocky air about them - Toji's showed in his words while Kensuke's showed on his face. They were birds of a feather, two con artists always ready to make a quick buck off their classmates. Two brats who were always sent to stand out in the hallway with one another. Two dispshits who always seemed to find trouble wherever they went. Trouble became every other afternoon in the form of the neighborhood 12 year olds, who threw punches that neither of them could dodge and left them both bruised and sore for weeks. They would run back home, spitting and yelling expletives at each other as they weaved through back alleys and small parks to escape. It didn't matter what 'home' they went back to; Toji's dad was always working, and Kensuke's dad had been long gone since the day his mother died. Kensuke would fume while Toji grabbed the ice packs, sitting down right beside him on the kitchen floor and telling him he was sorry (for getting them into another fight, for not protecting him better, for his dad, _for his mom_ ). Their knees would knock together, solid and warm like they were keeping each other grounded. Kensuke never had it in him to be mad after that.

Hikari always joked that they'd get married one day. "You two are too stupid to be with anyone but each other," she said one day when they were once again forced into clean up duty for talking in class. (Her eyes held a pang of jealousy, because she realized how deep those two were long before they knew they had even started going under. And when they finally figured it out for themselves, she made sure no teachers were around to get them in trouble for "indecent acts in the school hallway".)

When they were together, they became a unit. Just the two of them. The two of them and Toji's baby sister. The two of them and Kensuke's growing collection of model tanks and action figures. The two of them and the rest of Class 2A.

Just the two of them and whoever else.

But then Shinji Ikari came along.

Shinji, whose eyes seemed to hold the weight of the world and then some. Shinji, who took Toji's beating that first day like it was nothing. (Not because the boy was trying to be strong, but because he felt he deserved it. He really didn't.) Shinji, who didn't run away from the Fourth Angel when Misato screamed at him to. Shinji, who stayed put and threw his entire being into destroying it with only a knife. Because if he didn't, they'd all be dead. Dead and gone and maybe in a better place than the decaying Tokyo-3.

Shinji, who was absent from school for three days after that. Toji had looked dejected and downright sad through most of it, the grey skies and steady rain matching his entire disposition. Kensuke wasn't having much fun either, beginning to find his 3D models of the new Angel not as exciting as before. Toji had his head nestled in his arms, flat against his desk. He looked like a puppy waiting for someone to come back home. Kensuke would have laughed outright at him; Toji, the stubborn bull who rarely did anything other than smile or scowl, looking like a lost puppy. He desperately wanted to point out the irony. That Toji was so worried about the transfer student he had just punched in the face behind the school. (The transfer student who had just saved the entire city, just saved _them._ ) Instead, he scooted his chair over and rested his head in his arms right next to Toji. The other boy moved on instinct towards him and Kensuke gently bumped their heads together.

"Are you worried about him?"

"Not exactly worried."

"You're a horrible liar, Toji. Stubborn, too."

He sat back up, going back to his computer and leaving the piece of paper with Shinji's phone number in his place.

Shinji didn't answer when Toji called from the school phone, but it marked the start of it all.

When Kensuke saw Shinji in the woods on one of the rare nights when it wasn't Kensuke _and_ Toji, his words came to him easier than they had in a long time. Now he understood why Toji had been so dejected. There was guilt, sure. But there was something that made him want to be around this boy; an ease that he hadn't felt from anyone besides Toji in a long time.

"Toji's sorry." Because they understood now. "His little sister yelled at him, saying it was the robot that saved everyone." He poked at the campfire absently before speaking again.

"I'm really jealous of you, Shinji. You get to pilot an Evangelion."

"Don't be jealous. You'd worry your mother." Shinji's expression was unreadable, and Kensuke could only stare at him in hopes he could catch some emotion there, something he might have missed. The quiet reply brought a small, wistful smile to his face.

"I'm the same as you, you know. Don't have one."

Shinji looked up at him wide-eyed then, and Kensuke smiled brighter. They were all the same. Missing mothers, missing parents. But instead, Kensuke had Toji, and Toji had Kensuke. But Shinji... Shinji didn't have anyone. Not until now.

They realized it wasn't just the two of them anymore. It couldn't be, not when they stood outside the train station waiting to say their goodbyes and Toji took Shinji's punches like it was nothing. (Because he felt he deserved it. And maybe he did.) Not when Shinji had stayed, walking back down the street with Misato and smiling at them from across the street with such sincerity in his eyes.

They finally decided to acknowledge it when they were forced to watch Shinji and Unit-01 launch into yet another damn battle against another damn angel a few weeks later. The wrenching in their gut at the fact that this would be a common occurrence hurt the most when Shinji was in the hospital afterwards, more battered and bruised than the two of them had ever been when they were kids.

Toji leaned down and kissed him on their way to school the next Monday, grumbling about how "stupid Shinji needed to stop getting himself hurt". The bandages on his hands didn't look good against his skin, he thought, running his fingers over the cloth as he held the other boy's hands in his. Shinji sputtered while looking like a deer in the headlights, while Toji just blushed and looked off to the side, moving his own hands deep down into his pockets. Kensuke looked on fondly, before wrapping his arms around Shinji from behind and telling him they were only worried about him.

That's how it became the three of them. The three of them and Misato. The three of them and Toji's favorite spots to just watch the day pass by. The three of them and the rest of the world.

It was happy, sweet and full of innocent touches and innocent feelings. Things were simple. They would sit huddled together on the rooftop, even as the summer began to turn to fall. They would walk the streets of Tokyo-3, not looking for trouble but instead looking for the best places to steal quick kisses and throw chide remarks at each other. They all dealt with Shinji having to live with the insufferable Asuka when she arrived, and the now constant visits to the NERV hospital. Normal life became the three of them and whoever else, and they were so, _so_ happy.

But underneath, everything burned. Like not-yet-scalding water under the tap. It hurt, because no matter how happy they felt, no matter how everything just seemed to feel like _normal_ , they all knew that things wouldn't stay like that for long.

When Toji accepted the offer to pilot Unit-03, he didn't tell either of them. Kensuke would have be jealous. Shinji would have been _furious_. But they would have both been so, _so_ scared. Because they saw just how close the Evangelions played with death like it was a game of cat and mouse. Shinji saw it first-hand every time he piloted the thing. They all definitely saw it in the aftermath of the battles within the city. Hell, _he_ was scared. He wanted to cry. He wanted to vomit. He wanted to break down and go back home. To curl up into Kensuke's neck and clutch at Shinji's shirt, holding them so close until he felt numb. But he couldn't go back, not when his reason for piloting was to protect this city, to protect his family, to protect _them_. So he steeled his heart and hoped that everything would be alright. (That he could go back and see the look on Kensuke's face when he said that he had his own Eva. Maybe they would let him look at the controls during maintenance. He hoped that Shinji wouldn't be too mad, because now he wouldn't get so badly hurt when he fought against the Angels. Because now he might be able to protect him.)

He wished he had kissed them both one last time before he went.

He felt himself getting torn apart- piece by piece, limb by limb. The voices on the radio had become distant murmurs by now, the pain in his head forcing him into unconsciousness. He could still hear the Angel's screeches of pain even while he floated through nothingness. He thought that maybe they were really his own.

Shinji couldn't believe it, even after he had been knocked unconscious and forced out of Unit-01 after.. After he had to watch the Evangelion rip Toji apart, rip one of the boys he loved apart then crush him like a _bug_. Kensuke could only cry and sit between both of them in the hospital, idly watching the machines whirr and click for what felt like an eternity.

When Toji woke up, he looked at the two and smiled before his eyes fell shut again.

When Shinji woke up, he looked at the two and wanted to scream.

"I'm glad you're alright, Shinji."

Kensuke's eyes were rimmed with red, and he looked more tired than Shinji had ever seen him. Shinji knew why - _he knew exactly why_ \- and the reason was in the bed right next to him, still hooked up to a machine that was making sure he was breathing properly. He started to sob, throat feeling like it was tearing itself into shreds from the inside out.

"It's not your fault, Shinji. You know that." He felt a gentle hand stroking his hair, and he leaned into the touch. It sure felt like it was.

Shinji almost left after that. Almost left piloting, almost left Tokyo-3 completely. He was too full of guilt and too full of pain to face the two he had given his heart to after what he let happen. Kensuke told him over and over, whispering in his ear while he held him close in the hospital room that it wasn't his fault. That he didn't blame him for anything, and Toji wouldn't either. That they loved him and would forgive him. Shinji wanted to believe him, but the twisting knot in his chest didn't let him.

Toji woke up three days later, limbs heavy (but not heavy enough) and mind foggy (but not foggy enough. Not when he remembered the pain, the _screams_ ). Kensuke and Hikari were sitting beside him, and their quiet mutters ceased when he looked over at them. They had looks of relief on their faces, and Kensuke must have been crying. His eyes weren't red, but Toji knew. His lips had that slight quiver that showed he was trying not to burst into tears again. It made his heart feel heavy. But he gave him a grin, reaching out even though his right arm felt like lead and his left felt like it wasn't even there and lacing their fingers together. He squeezed, tight. To keep them both grounded. Kensuke finally smiled for real, with something small, genuine, and squeezed back.

When he asked where Shinji was, Kensuke went rigid and gave him a hard stare. It made his heart sink further into his chest.

"I think he's gonna leave. Should we go too?" Toji didn't know how to answer. (They should have left a long time ago. Was this just running away? Would they leave with him? Would they _stay_ with him?) He just held him tighter.

But Shinji didn't leave. He couldn't leave because the 12th Angel had attacked, breaking down into the Geo-Front before NERV could do a thing. The walls of the hospital shook and groaned, and they knew Shinji wouldn't dare leave. ("He won't run away.") Shinji watched Unit-02 and Unit-00 get ripped apart- limb from limb, head from body. He couldn't cry anymore; he could only sit and watch as the same thing that happened to Toji happened to his friends. It was only something he could do. Kaji reminded him of that. That no matter what he ended up doing, he had to do it for himself. But he didn't want to do this just for himself. He wanted to do it for Rei, for Asuka, for Misato, for Toji and Kensuke. (He didn't want to do it for his father anymore.)

He felt his left arm shatter, and he figured he deserved it. (He really didn't.)

He felt his chest piece get torn off, his heart already feeling like it was being ripped from the inside out. He figured he really did deserve it. (But he still didn't.)

They told him that Unit-01 went berserk but that wasn't completely true. Shinji felt the rage bubble inside of him, felt the power start flowing into his blood as the Eva took over and tore the 12th Angel to shreds. Just like it had done to his friends. Just like Unit-01 had done to Toji. Just like everything had finally begun to tear them all apart, inside and out.

He woke up and saw his mother.

He woke up again and saw Toji, wearing his signature tracksuit and sitting in a wheelchair.

And Shinji cried until he couldn't anymore.

Kensuke missed his arm, the arm he would curl around when he slept. The fingers he would tangle in his own as they walked to Shinji and Asuka and Misato's apartment in the mornings. Shinji missed his leg, the leg the boy stood strong and proud on. The thigh he would place his hand on whenever they sat next to each other. But Toji didn't mind them being gone so much, because he was still here.

It was still the three of them. The three of them against the entire world.

**Author's Note:**

> 9/2/2017: sometimes i remember this fic exists and read it for nostalgia. i realized i forgot to mention that at the time of writing this, i hadn't seen past episode 9 of the original series (and the rebuilds but fuck those am i right). i just finished the series about an hour ago and am still pretty happy with this as its own narrative. maybe i'll write more of these 3? or just introspectives who knows


End file.
